Mirrors and Handlers

The way we see ourselves have a profound way of colouring the way we see the world. We're in relationships with everything around us, people and things. Those relationships are greatly influenced by our wiring and also by the relationships we had with the adults in our lives as children. I believe the way the adults around us reacted and behaved towards us then affects and largely defines the relationship we have with ourselves and the world today.

How do you react to your personal failures and successes? How do you scold or praise yourself? If you think deeply, you will find some parallels in how you were scolded or praised as a child and the type of relationship you have with yourself today. Many of our handlers while we were kids didn't realise that the way they spoke to us became our inner voices and that their voices became our guide out of darkness or into mystery.

Relationships are like mirrors. They reflect our images back to us. What we attract always mirror qualities we have or beliefs we hold as true in our minds. This is accurate not just for romantic relationships but also the ones we have with friends, children, bosses etc. We will not attract these relationships or have these people in our lives if the way they are did not somehow complement our own lives. This thing works like magnet.

I always advice people to go back and fix that relationship they had with their parents growing up because unconsciously it forms a lense through which they view every other relationship. By fix the relationship they had with the adults in their lives as children, I do not mean for them to start a journey of reconciliation in cases where there's conflict, though this might be necessary. I mean there's need for personal reflection, acceptance of what is and conscious effort to forgive any wrong there might be. This work is self work and doesn't require any other party. As you do this, your goal is to gain understanding that leads to self acceptance not judgment of yourself or others.

My bosom friend Ifelanwa Osundolire the author of Black White once wrote, "I am learning that in judging your parents for their inadequacies, you ought to be very careful because the same DNAs that made them make these mistakes you sorely judge them for live on in you and oftentimes against your best intentions, you will end up just like them".

I found an easier way to approach the inner work that needs to be done. My friends that I've shared it with confirmed that changing their perspective from seeking justice or vengeance to giving compassion and understanding does help a great deal.

Tara Brach an American psychologist wrote, "Imagine you are walking in the woods and you see a small dog sitting by a tree. As you approach, it suddenly lunges at you, teeth bared. You are frightened and angry. But then you notice that one of its legs is caught in a trap. Immediately your mood shifts from anger to concern: You see that the dog’s aggression is coming from vulnerability and pain. This applies to all of us. When we behave in hurtful ways, it is because we are caught in some kind of painful trap. The more we look through the eyes of wisdom at ourselves and each other, the more we cultivate a compassionate heart. It is such a blessing to forgive."

So today I'll encourage you to forgive those handlers and also forgive the child in you. You will attract better quality relationships.